Jon: Please welcome Martin Short!

[Martin comes out; he and Jon hug; Jon offers him a seat on the couch]

Martin: They love me! [Points to the audience]

Jon: They are unaccustomed to those of your stature.

Martin: Are you serious? Who do you usually have on? I wanna catch the show, but . . .

Jon: You know who we had yesterday?

Martin: Who?

Jon: We had one of the Battlebots.

Martin: Oh my God.

Jon: The one that's made out of a coffee maker.

Martin: What are you worried about?

Jon: Can I tell you though? Hilarious anecdotes.

Martin: Was it great?

Jon: No, not really. But this is nice that you would be legally obligated to come by.

Martin: [Laughs]

Jon: Let me tell you this . . here's my take on this - you have a lot of famous friends. A lot.

Martin: Well, you know, I do. What's your point, Jon?

Jon: How do I, 'cause we're in the same business, how do I get in on that gravy train?

Martin: Oh, you're talking about all the famous people who are on "Primetime Glick".

Jon: Yeah. An unproven show that, for all we know, might suck. We don't know.

Martin: Right.

Jon: On the air, I'm a proven - I've been here since '82.

Martin: That could be the problem.

Jon: People are sick of me.

Martin: No, no, no, no. They're not sick of you, it's just that they love what they see, they've just seen a bit too much.

Jon: [Laughs]

Martin: There's a whole difference between sick of - sick of is too strong . . .

Jon: Do I need to go lower, is that what it is? [Lowers his chair]

Martin: No, no, no, no. Are you kidding? People love you! You're an icon.

Jon: Dude, huge. My mother included. Let me ask you this: name people you know, like, that would call you on the phone, like if you came home and hit your messages, might Steve Martin be on that?

Martin: Steve Marin could be on, Ross Martin from "Wild Wild West" . . um, um

Jon: [Laughs] Martin Van Buren.

Martin: Martin Van Buren, Our 12th president, uh, Marty Allen, Steve Rossy, you remember those guys, don't you?

Jon: Sure I do. Uh, uh, do they - is there a brunch that you all go to?

Martin: Yes it's called uh, "I'm a legend, but so are you" brunch.

Jon: Oh, that's nice!

Martin: And we sit around - we don't eat much.

Jon: [Laughs]

Martin: 'Cause we're so busy talking, reflecting on what it's like to win Tonys and Ocsars and things. It's fun.

Jon: [Still laughing]

Martin: Yeah, but it must be fun when you get together with your people.

Jon: Yeah, no, uh -

Martin: Who would be in that group?

Jon: Well a lot of them are foreign exchange students. So there's not a lot of . . . there's Achmeal.

Martin: Achmeal!

Jon: Who is a wiz with the computer, but doesn't speak a whole lot of the English.

Martin: No, no, no. And so you order quick and it's gone.

Jon: Yeah, but can I tell you something? Loves the air conditioning. Stand by one of those things for - air conditioning and shoes.

Martin: Well those streamers on the air conditioning -

Jon: [Nods] Loves the streamers. Tickles his chin.

Martin: [Laughs]

Jon: I just - it's just interesting to me because every time I see you on a show, you'll see these people come up to you, like Tom Hanks will walk by, and you guys will know each other, but not know each other like "Oh I met that guy at a premiere", like, - you've been to his house!

Martin: That's true. I have been to Tom's house.

Jon: But that's impressive to me because, again, I've been slaving away for 15 years - the Landers Sisters won't return my calls.

Martin: [Laughs] Hey, I did a pilot with the Landers Sisters.

Jon: See! See! What's their house like?

Martin: It was a trailer at the time . ..

Jon: [Laughs]

Martin: . . . but the most beautiful hub caps on each wheel that you'd ever seem. Gave the impression that these girls were on the up. No, I did a pilot with them and Slappy White in 1980.

Jon: [Laughs]

Martin: Honest to God! I don't know, what's your point, Jon? The point of it is that you can't understand that famous people occasionally have well-known friends. Is that what it is? 'Cause I dozed off for part of it like an idiot.

Jon: [Laughs]

Martin: 'Cause I had a bumpy flight.

Jon: My question was merely this: When does "Primetime Glick" premiere?

Martin: Ah, well, now we're talking! Well, first of all, we're having a great party for it at Tom and Steve's and everybody -

Jon: [Begins ripping up his note cards]

Martin: Which I'd *love* to invite you, but I don't plan to. And it's at -

Jon: Can I tell you something?

Martin: What?

Jon: I'm actually working it as a cater waiter.

Martin: [Laughs] 10:30.

Jon: 10:30? Oh, we gotta go!

Martin: 10:30 Comedy Central. Right after a new South Park and right before you [Points to Jon].

Jon: Oh for God's sakes. And if you get picked up again? Legally you'll have to come back.

Martin: Absolutely. I'd love to come back here any time.

Jon: You're a good man. Martin Short, everybody!

Martin: Jon Stewart, everybody!

Jon: No, you!