SHAME-BASED MAN:

"America, a place where spelling doesn't count, but people's pets do."

"Juke boxes are like celebrity deaths.  Seems like three go at once."

"A vigil isn't even a funeral.   It's like going to a drive-in with no screen."

"Our love is like Jiffy Pop. It takes a long time to rise, and when it does, it doesn't quite seem like the real thing."

"I know it's hard when you're fat and alone and no one's around to know you, and you lock up your bike, and it falls down."

"The thing I hate about hash, apart from the revolting taste, was the
way it made your eyes stare inside your tiny little body.  Just sittin' there,
listening to Uriah Heep.  A little of that goes a long way.  Same as acid I
guess you could say."

"I've never been to a vigil. I've never been to a funeral. Well, I've been to some bad parties that people said reminded them of funerals. The closest thing to a vigil? Three turtles I flushed down the toilet in 1973."

"Our love is like 'COPS,' that racist, welfare-hating crack hunt." (Thanks to Katie B.)

THE DRUNK BABY PROJECT:

"I was lying on a pile of coats, my face painted, "Happy Birthday". It was a conceptual joke; it was nobody's birthday."

"It’s so hard to play when your girlfriend’s fighting with your wife, and a restraining order's on you for threatening her life."

"You’re getting’ it from the roadie! While in the next room your best friend is getting it on with the really cute guitarist…and your getting it from the beer gut daddy roadie because YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"

"I guess we both betrayed each other. You by having sex with a courier on a futon behind my back while I watched. And I betrayed you by pretending to like reggae music."

"A day job kills man's spirit. Cookies and cakes cheer him back up."

"Never say, 'Hey, I can kill a kid! It's my birthday!' Never say, 'It's my birthday!' either. If people don't know, then just shut up, Jack."

"I used to live in Calgary. I wasn't gay, but a lot of girls made me wish I was. A lot of guys made me wish I was. Not because I wanted them, but, if they were hetro, I didn't want to be like them."

SLIGHTLY BIGGER CITIES:

"Who cheers up society's cheerleaders? Who tows away tow-truck drivers' tow trucks?"

"At couples' parties what do they do? Sit around reading Noah's Ark?"

"I have drank so much that I had to call in sick the next day, only to be told 'You don't work here!'"

"There's more truth in a Bible than in a phone book. I think all of it's true. Except, of course, the part that says 'God exists'."

"I confess, I put my dog's x-rays on top of mine. I want to see what it would look like if she were inside me."

"The first thing I think when I walk into a church is 'Hey, what a nice apartment this would make!'"

KIDS IN THE HALL:

"It's a Fabio world, but you know what? It's also a Brucio world."

"If I can't rock, I don't wanna walk. If I can't air guitar, I don't want no air at all."

"Well, I did give suicide a chance, but that was only because I was threatened with jazz."

"If William Shakespeare were alive today, he wouldn't be writing plays, he'd be writing answering machine messages!"

"Each night as I go home to my apartment and my large bowl of popcorn, I sit in silence with a dog for whom I feel nothing."

"Karen came over to my house and she was drunk. Drunk on love? No! Drunk on gin. Which is quite different but sorta the same I guess."

"For me fan letters are like my friends' girlfriends. I like to just look at them, smile, and say nothing."

"Keep your underwear in a bowel in the fridge, never answer your phone, never remember your family's birthdays, never make it home for Christmas, think a lot about vampires, death, and sex with your friends' mothers . . . or fathers -- you figure it out, I did."

"Excuse me ladies, but you're scantly clad and have nothing to do with the narrative. Therefore, it's sexist. Sorry."

MISCELLANEOUS / OTHER:

"I was in love with you, you know. I could have anyone. I'm beautiful!" (Brain Candy)

"Can you get me something to eat before I chew my fucking hand off?" (Brain Candy)

"I just heard about this new drug that makes you happy. Well I just want to say . . . fuck happy!" (Brain Candy)

"Let me ask a question that's on everyone's mind. Was he better than Daddy, Mummy?" (Twitch City)

"I wasn't playing with myself in the tub, mum. I was just cleaning it and it went off." (MADTV)

"I am tired, I am salty, I require silence." (Thanks to Aaron)

"A failure is a loser who has reached his full potential." (Thanks to Caroline)

What? Your favorite quote isn't on here? Well send it and I'll put it up!